Friday funnies: isolation edition

• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
• Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —– The Living Room or The Den.
• Homeschooling is going well: 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
• I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.
• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
• My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
• Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
• I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
• I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.
• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
• Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.
• Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under

Those pesky unanswered questions

A friend sent me an email recently with a lot of questions. These are things I still haven’t found the answers to:

• Who Let the Dogs Out?
• Where’s the beef? 
• How do you get to Sesame Street?
• Why do all flavors (colors) in Fruit  Loops taste exactly the same?
• Why are raw eggs  packaged in a flimsy paper or plastic carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails? 
•  Why is “abbreviated” such a long word? 
• Why is there a D in ‘fridge’ but not in refrigerator?
• Why is some lemon juice made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons? t
• Why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” and where’s that extra penny going to?
• Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs? 
• And just what is Victoria’s Secret?

Careful…

Admit it…. you laughed.

So did I.

But then I stopped, and paused to reflect.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall

Who’s the busiest of them all?

Busy! Busy! Busy!

Guilty as charged.

I am trying to set aside some quiet moments this season to reflect on why we celebrate Christmas, why we look for the perfect gift for someone we love.  I am trying to be intentional about Advent, this season of preparation. Today we light the “peace” candle on the Advent wreath.

Hope. Peace. Joy. Love.

In the midst of everything happening in our nation and in the world, I need the focus of Advent more than ever.   Peace be with you.

 

Just ask the kids, they have all the answers…

1.  HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?    

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.   
—  Alan, age 10 

No  person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.   
—  Kristen, age  10   

 2.  WHAT IS  THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?   

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.  
—   Camille, age 10  

3.  HOW CAN A  STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?   

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. 
—  Derrick, age  8   

4.  WHAT DO  YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?   

Both don’t want any more kids.    
—  Lori,  age 8   

5.  WHAT DO  MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?   

Dates are for having fun, and people  should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.   
—   Lynnette, age  8     

On  the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.  
—  Martin, age  10   

 6.  WHEN IS  IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?    

When they’re rich.   
—  Pam, age  7 

The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.  
— Curt, age   7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.    
— Howard,  age 8   

7.    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?   

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.  
—  Anita, age 9

8.  HOW  WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?    

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?  
—  Kelvin, age 8   

9.  HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?    

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
—  Ricky, age  10 

I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry about some of these quotes. 

Seen around town

I keep telling myself that I’m going to bring the camera along when I run errands, but it just doesn’t seem to happen — my brain and a colander have a few things in common, for one thing, and relying upon a cane for unfamiliar or uneven ground doesn’t make it easy to just hop out of the car to take a photo — so you’ll just have to take my word for it that I’ve been seeing these signs as I drive down the road.

• Meow spoken here (posted outside a compounding pharmacy)
• Congratulations! You made it out of bed (signage in front of a drive-through coffee hut)
• Depresso: that feeling when you run out of coffee  (different coffee place)
• Vote for Pedro  (yet another coffee place — we have a lot of them, but that deserves its own blog post)
•  Exercise? I thought you said Mexi-fries!  (taco place, obviously)

Today is the first day of our local weekly farmers’ market and I agreed to be a vendor again this year. I hope my ankle does not think this was a bad idea (set up, take-down, and 4 hours in the heat between those two events). Our resident teenager has one week of school remaining but must have all of his online coursework turned in by Sunday evening, so I suspect I will not be getting a chance to use the computer at my leisure.
Have a great weekend!

Chicken Head

Can you see yourself? I can!

• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
• Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
• There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
• I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
• I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded…

THOUGHTS from an email message

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
A tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it  lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1.    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of  it.
2.    My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3.    I  finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4.    Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5.    Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6.    If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7.    It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8.    Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9.    I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses…. they’re everywhere.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

Pondering

Ponderosa Pine

I had amnesia once — maybe twice.

 

I went to San Francisco .
I found someone’s heart. Now what?

 

Protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

 

All I ask is a chance to prove that 
money can’t make me happy.

 

If the world were a logical place,
men would be the ones who
ride horses sidesaddle.

 

What is a “free” gift?
Aren’t all gifts free?

 

They told me I was gullible
and I believed them.

 

Teach a child to be polite and
courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he’ll never be able
to merge his car onto the freeway.

 

Experience is the thing you have left
when everything else is gone.

 

One nice thing about egotists:
they don’t talk about other people.

 

I used to be indecisive.
Now I’m not sure.

 

How can there be self-help “groups”?

 

If swimming is so good for your figure, 
how do you explain whales?

 

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, 
and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

 

Is it me — or
do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

_____________________________________________

Today’s Friday Funny is courtesy of my friend Carol, who sent these to me in an e-mail.

Unwritten stories of life and death

There are things about which I simply cannot write. Things like possums that curl up and die in a hidden corner of the garage/bonus room. It’s been nearly 9 years now since that incident and my boys know that just saying the word “possum” still gives me the heebie-jeebies.

There are other things about which I have written only in passing — upchucked chipmunk heads, for example — because I am thoroughly squeamish about such things. (I avoided both the cat and the front porch for many days after that incident.) When my husband was deployed, I relied on neighbors to rescue me from the horrors of decaying creatures and dead birds in the fish pond. When faced with a mouse in my suitcase, I locked myself and my baby in the bathroom (oblivious to the fact that there was a one-inch space between the floor and the bottom of the door).

Becky over at Noodleroux is much better about injecting humor into the situation. Go read this post and you’ll see why she’s my new hero.