Friday funnies: isolation edition

• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
• Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —– The Living Room or The Den.
• Homeschooling is going well: 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
• I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.
• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
• My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
• Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
• I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
• I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.
• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
• Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.
• Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under

Just ask the kids, they have all the answers…

1.  HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?    

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.   
—  Alan, age 10 

No  person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.   
—  Kristen, age  10   

 2.  WHAT IS  THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?   

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.  
—   Camille, age 10  

3.  HOW CAN A  STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?   

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. 
—  Derrick, age  8   

4.  WHAT DO  YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?   

Both don’t want any more kids.    
—  Lori,  age 8   

5.  WHAT DO  MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?   

Dates are for having fun, and people  should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.   
—   Lynnette, age  8     

On  the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.  
—  Martin, age  10   

 6.  WHEN IS  IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?    

When they’re rich.   
—  Pam, age  7 

The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.  
— Curt, age   7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.    
— Howard,  age 8   

7.    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?   

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.  
—  Anita, age 9

8.  HOW  WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?    

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?  
—  Kelvin, age 8   

9.  HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?    

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
—  Ricky, age  10 

I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry about some of these quotes. 

Seen around town

I keep telling myself that I’m going to bring the camera along when I run errands, but it just doesn’t seem to happen — my brain and a colander have a few things in common, for one thing, and relying upon a cane for unfamiliar or uneven ground doesn’t make it easy to just hop out of the car to take a photo — so you’ll just have to take my word for it that I’ve been seeing these signs as I drive down the road.

• Meow spoken here (posted outside a compounding pharmacy)
• Congratulations! You made it out of bed (signage in front of a drive-through coffee hut)
• Depresso: that feeling when you run out of coffee  (different coffee place)
• Vote for Pedro  (yet another coffee place — we have a lot of them, but that deserves its own blog post)
•  Exercise? I thought you said Mexi-fries!  (taco place, obviously)

Today is the first day of our local weekly farmers’ market and I agreed to be a vendor again this year. I hope my ankle does not think this was a bad idea (set up, take-down, and 4 hours in the heat between those two events). Our resident teenager has one week of school remaining but must have all of his online coursework turned in by Sunday evening, so I suspect I will not be getting a chance to use the computer at my leisure.
Have a great weekend!

Can you see yourself? I can!

• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
• Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
• There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
• I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
• I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded…

THOUGHTS from an email message

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
A tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it  lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1.    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of  it.
2.    My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3.    I  finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4.    Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5.    Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6.    If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7.    It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8.    Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9.    I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses…. they’re everywhere.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

Pondering

Ponderosa Pine

I had amnesia once — maybe twice.

 

I went to San Francisco .
I found someone’s heart. Now what?

 

Protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

 

All I ask is a chance to prove that 
money can’t make me happy.

 

If the world were a logical place,
men would be the ones who
ride horses sidesaddle.

 

What is a “free” gift?
Aren’t all gifts free?

 

They told me I was gullible
and I believed them.

 

Teach a child to be polite and
courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he’ll never be able
to merge his car onto the freeway.

 

Experience is the thing you have left
when everything else is gone.

 

One nice thing about egotists:
they don’t talk about other people.

 

I used to be indecisive.
Now I’m not sure.

 

How can there be self-help “groups”?

 

If swimming is so good for your figure, 
how do you explain whales?

 

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, 
and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

 

Is it me — or
do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

_____________________________________________

Today’s Friday Funny is courtesy of my friend Carol, who sent these to me in an e-mail.

A beautiful poem about growing older

An older woman whom I am proud to know as a friend [waving hello to Carol 🙂 ] sent the following message to me in an e-mail, and I wanted to share it with my blogging friends.

 

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did me — then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.

 

 

WALK WITH ME AS I AGE

 

 

 

Walk with me by the water . . .

 

 

 

 

 

I forgot the words.

 

Thoughts for the Day

 

Things to consider:

• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘XL’.  Do you think the clothing industry knows this?
• The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
•  When you put the word ‘the‘ together with the ‘IRS’ it spells…  Theirs.

About Aging:

• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight…   because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.  (Just don’t tell my frenemy, Arthur Itis!) 

*Thanks to my friend Carol who shared these with me in an e-mail.

🙂

Now I have a plan!

Public Service Announcement

I NEVER KNEW THIS!

“THIS” involves the shampoo you shower with when it runs down your body.

WARNING TO US ALL – YOU NEED TO READ THIS!

Shampoo Warning

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: “FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY”

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with dishwashing liquid instead because its label reads:

“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

PROBLEM SOLVED.
If I don’t answer my phone, I’m probably in the shower! 🙂

Thank you, Hilary!